Readers respond to Tara Judah’s article about her difficulty in forming female friendships, and her happiness in her own company
Upon reading Tara Judah’s article, I felt relief (I stopped chasing the Hollywood vision of female friendship – and embraced the person I am, 13 May). I am in my late 30s and find myself in the same position, where strong female friendship groups have eluded me. I know the familiar feeling of hope when I’m at a new event, or in a new job or a new place to live, only for that to be crushed.
I often find myself concluding that it is because I am weird, or too quiet, or not interesting. However, the lack of a strong female group in my life doesn’t bother me when I am home; it is only when the inevitable Monday morning office question of “So what did you do at the weekend?” is asked, and I am embarrassed that my answer is only about what I did with my partner or family, or the six-monthly meetups with my few friends far and wide.
Tara’s piece has made me feel less alone, and that actually some of us are not meant to have that dynamic. In truth, I am an introvert at heart, and I am not sure I could really cope with the drama that the Hollywood girl groups seem to run into.
Hopefully, as I continue in life, I will have fully embraced this and be more settled in myself, no longer thinking of myself as a lesser person for something that is far more common than some wish to admit.
Jemma Street
Southampton
I can’t tell you how much this resonates with me. I am now 66, and being excluded as a five-year-old from the classroom wendy house by a bossy “queen bee” set me up for a lifetime of being wary of female groups. Was there something unacceptable about me? Hurt and sad, I formed my defence – don’t expect or attempt to fit in; if they don’t want me, I don’t want them. I came to realise that not everyone has a hive mentality; some of us are born to enjoy life as solitary bees. Embrace the freedom – the cliques can buzz off.
Name and address supplied
Finally, someone has the courage to say it: not all of us have a wide circle of friends. Tara Judah’s experience hit home for me. I have friends, but not a core group that I can count on for Friday afternoon drinks, opening nights, yoga classes and the like. Most of my friendship attempts throughout my life have been like hers: either rebuffed, quietly dropped, or we just didn’t connect. Hollywood makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, but maybe it’s more common than we’ve been led to believe. I enjoy my solo time, and in fact need time to myself to recharge. Thank you to Ms Judah for writing her piece.
Stacey Roman
Toledo, Ohio, US
I’m almost 70, Tara, and it has taken me that many years to refuse to feel guilty because I much prefer my own company to anyone else’s, and that includes husband, daughters, grandchildren (gasp!), siblings and friends. Time alone is more precious to me than almost anything else; it is the way I survive. You have discovered already what it took me decades to understand. Thank you.
Elizabeth Davidson
Alamo, California, US